“When I look up information about Autism and ADHD, I read about ‘social deficits’ and see providers offering social skills trainings. Do I have a social deficit? Do I need social skills training? Does my neurotype make me worse at relationships?”
No one neurotype is the best at relationships, but it is okay to be confused with all the misinformation going around. There is a lot of harsh “information” out there about Autism and ADHD, and being exposed to it can certainly hurt our self-esteem in relationships. But there is a lot more nuance to relationships and communication than many of these sources let on.
We have said in previous posts that no neurotype is better or worse, they’re just different. Historically, however, the definitions of these neurotypes had usually been written by Allistic people and from their perspective. From these Allistic people’s perspectives, Autistic people and ADHDers really were harder to communicate with or had more difficulties in relationships, but they misunderstood why that was.
The most direct reason those miscommunications happened is now commonly referred to as the “double empathy problem”. This term means that communication often goes more smoothly between people of the same neurotype than in mixed neurotype groups. So Allistic people are better at communicating with Allistic people, and Autistic people are better at communicating with Autistic people. In mixed groups, the misunderstandings are mutual, not because of one neurotype, but because of the different ways these brains process information and communicate.
There are indirect reasons relationships might have more difficulties for neurodivergent people as well. Family members, friends, and others may carry biases about Autistic and ADHD communication styles that can hurt the relationship. Experiencing this repeatedly over time, even for undiagnosed neurodivergent people, can hurt self-esteem and lead to rejection sensitivity, masking, and reduced assertiveness.
Over time, it is easy for individuals, partners, and families to fall into habits or narratives that get in the way of connection. When that happens, it is not the fault of any particular neurotype, but it can impact neurodivergent people particularly hard. This means that the solution is not “social skills training” for one person to learn to act more Allistic, but for people to work together to unlearn misinformation, repair hurtful experiences, and rebalance their relationships. With neurodiversity-affirming family therapy, we are here to help so that you can feel connected, respected, and confident together.
Want to learn more about how neurodiversity-affirming therapy can help your relationships? Contact Capital Crescent Collective today to schedule a consultation.
This post was written by Anna White, an experienced, neurodiversity-affirming independent therapist at Capital Crescent Collective in Bethesda, MD.